After moving into my apartment, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. It was a literal feeling of pressure being removed. I liked having my own space and my own decor. Something I never had. The only thing that I missed about being on that farm was being with my child. Divorce is hard. It is so hard to see your child upset and confused because they don’t understand why they can’t be with you both every single day. My daughter and I have always been close. Most nights I slept wherever she would sleep, listening to a very generic version of the movie Ratatouille on repeat throughout the night. It wasn’t easy for either one of us to be separated. She is 20 now and when I think of her little 3-year-old self asking if she had to go to her dad’s the next day without me, I told her yes, and she began to cry and say, “Well, bye mommy”. Those words cut me, even to this day, I can hear and see her saying that. Divorce with children isn’t good for you or them, especially them.

Even though I was waiting for the divorce to be final I still acted single. To me, I was already single. I didn’t think I would immediately fall for anyone. I wasn’t planning to fall for anyone, but par for the course of my life if a man showed me attention, I was going to soak it up. I was seeking validation from a man. It didn’t take long for me to jump out of the pan and into the fire.

My sister suggested I sign up for this website called Tagged. Almost immediately I was chatting with Arthur. He was absolutely everything John was not. He was funny and so handsome. We talked every day and decided to meet for coffee one evening after I got off work. Our code would be that if we were still interested in person we would hug. I was sitting at my desk at work and just pulled out my compact to check my makeup when he walked in the door. He had a dozen red roses and a boyish grin. He was tall, had that messy on purpose hair, and wore a polo shirt with seersucker pants and golf shoes. I was immediately smitten. I couldn’t believe this kind of romantic guy existed. We hugged of course. My female coworker and I couldn’t stop talking about it when he left. That evening we met for coffee, and he said all the right things and was wildly carefree, audacious really. By the end of that night I wanted to keep him forever.

My sisters liked him; my mother even liked him. He helped me decorate and cooked for me and my daughter. It was mostly bliss for me because I had on rose colored glasses. There were a few instances where he got angry and acted like an entirely different person almost out of seemingly nowhere. I could say in hindsight I should’ve done this or that, but I want to keep this at my perspective at that time. Arthur’s cruelty made me want to prove myself to him even more. I needed to prove I was worth loving. He seemed to love being pursued, actually I know he loved it because he told me once.

It was about a month into our relationship that my sister discovered a news article about Arthur. He had been arrested for stabbing his ex-girlfriend and was out of jail on bond. Now, a healthy woman would’ve ran, fast. But I was not healthy as you already know. I was completely devastated. I didn’t want to believe that it could be true, and he was more than ready to explain it all. I believed him and even though he repeatedly did things to hurt me (emotionally, mentally), I couldn’t let him go.

He had an approaching court date because of course he couldn’t be out on bond forever. The night before his mom cooked his favorite meal and we played board games. He kept giving me alcoholic drinks and when we went to bed that night, he gave me a card and told me not to open it until a certain date no matter what. I essentially passed out from the drinks and was woken up in the early morning hours by his mother panicked. “Where is Arthur? Where is Arthur!”” He was gone. It was winter and had a heavy snow on the ground. I followed his footprints to the end of the road. I had no idea where he was, and we were all distraught. I can’t remember exactly what he wrote in the card, but it did have a phone number written in it. I bought a phone and called him. I didn’t tell anyone but his sister, selfishly and stupidly I was still living in Arthur’s world and wanted to believe there was a happy ending to still be had.

I still didn’t know where he was but by the end of the week, he wanted me to drive to see him. I thought I could convince him to come back with me and turn himself in. He just told me to drive south on the interstate and gave me directions every so often. On the way down I spoke with his sister and knew that the federal marshals were tracking me. I thought what I was doing would help. I even called his sister on day 2, hidden in the women’s restroom, to ask where the marshals were. They didn’t show up until 3 days later I believe. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had to pack all of his things and drive them to meet a federal marshal at home. I also found his cell phone with the texts he had been exchanging with the married woman who drove him to where he was. I don’t know how to accurately express what that did to me. I will never forget the federal marshal looking at me and saying, “I don’t mean to kick you when you’re down, but people like Arthur are a cancer to society and they feed off of those who are vulnerable.” He must’ve seen my kind many times before.

What followed was endless hours of phone calls, two trips to the courtroom as a witness, and a lot of nights spent crying and praying. It was purely by the grace of the Lord that I didn’t get in trouble in that situation. If he had gotten in my car and came back home to turn himself in, he would’ve crossed a state line with me and that is a felony. I can’t say it enough: always remember that even when you aren’t seeking the Lord, and through all of the chaos and hurt that we bring onto ourselves, the Lord is there! He is there with His hand in the midst because He knows who you are and who you will become. His goodness truly has no end.

I want to say that I am not sharing all of this because I’m proud of my past. I lived in a chaotic, sorrowful, hurt, bitter, wicked life before I knew the Lord. I’m sharing my story because it’s my testimony. I’m giving all the praise and glory to the Most High. Without Him I would be lost and still in that horrible life, but praise be to Him, He saved me! I don’t share every single detail, that is difficult to do but also, I’m not trying to tear these men down and some things just don’t need to be said this way. I was in these relationships because I put myself there. There was always a still small voice telling me that it wasn’t right, but I chose to do what the flesh wanted, and I hurt myself and others because of it.

Until the next chapter…….

-Amanda