Jared and I spoke daily around the time at the end of my marriage, not only about our daughter, but also about what was happening in our lives. We decided to get together and chat in person, which we hadn’t done in about 10 years (other than the time we ran into each other before he went to rehab). The town we live in is fairly small and there isn’t much to do past a certain time, especially since covid. I didn’t have time during normal hours because I always had the girls. On the night I was free we decided to get together pretty late, so we picked up a bite to eat and got a hotel room to sit and chat. I know what you’re thinking, but no, there was nothing going on here. No ulterior motives on my part or his. There is nowhere to go in our town and his place or mine offered no privacy. Our daughter didn’t know about Jared, and we had a lot of discussions to be had before we told her.

When I saw Jared again it was like I was seeing him for the first time. He was really handsome. In a different way than before. He had matured a lot, and I was a little beside myself if I’m being honest. We talked for hours and began getting sleepy, we never planned on sleeping there, but we did. He fell asleep first and reached over and held me. Not with a sexual intent, (I was literally laying there in a big yellow turtleneck sweater and jeans, awkwardly I might add) he just held me in a sweet, comforting, much needed embrace. As we lay there and I pondered on my current set of circumstances a small voice said, “You love Jared”. To which I replied, “Lord, that is crazy, there is no way I love this man! No way that is possible!” I mean there was so much in our past, it wasn’t possible that we would ever be together. To me, Jared was the very last person I would’ve put in that category. The next morning, we parted ways with a hug and that was it.

We continued talking every day and my feelings continued to grow. I prayed A LOT. Jared had just gone through a breakup and was extremely reserved toward me, and rightly so, but I discovered that I was on a mission. The Lord put something in my heart that humbled me in a way that I couldn’t explain. I knew that we were meant to be together. I can’t explain this. I just knew without a doubt that our paths were meant to meet here for this reason.

I believe it was the second or third time that we spent time together in person that as we said our goodbyes Jared leaned over and kissed me. It was a sweet, simple kiss. He leaned back and said, “I figured I needed to do something, I felt like I was on a countdown or something”. I was so happy. I have never been that happy over a kiss. You probably think, how can this woman who literally had a child with this man, how can a simple kiss make that big of a difference. Here’s how. When I saw Jared again, when I spent time with him again, I wasn’t seeing Jared through the eyes of the “old woman”, I didn’t have the heart of stone, I was/am a new woman with a heart of flesh, just as the Lord promised.

It wasn’t long before I told Jared that I loved him. The odd thing is that I didn’t care if he said it back to me. In the past, it would’ve hurt my pride so badly to say something like that and not have it validated; but this time it just didn’t matter. Truly, the Lord had validated it for me. So, I would tell him I loved him and that it was ok if he didn’t say it back to me. He would always say that he wanted to be sure of how he felt and about our situation, not only because of our daughter, but because of his heart. The night that he told me that he loved me too I was so happy but in truth, I already knew that he loved me.

We were married October 16, 2021. We had a small ceremony that evening at his parents’ home, perfectly boho themed, with lights that lit up the deck that Jared and his dad had previously built together. It was perfect. There were many happy tears shed that evening. This week was our four-year anniversary. In those four years we’ve grown closer to the Lord and each other. Our home is a peaceful, loving home. He’s my best friend. I didn’t think this type of life was possible but if you get nothing else from this, understand this, nothing and I do mean nothing, is impossible with the Lord. What He has for your life far exceeds the dreams that you have for your life.

There have been many times over the last four years that I have struggled with regret. I love my husband so much that at times I have found myself stuck in the past with a sorrow for the years that we lost together. But here is the thing. That’s where Satan wants to keep us. In the past or in the future missing out the moment we are in, in the present. I have learned there is glory to be had in our pain and struggles. I often imagine the Lord looked down during those 10 years and saying “I know you have pain and hurt but I have a plan, trust Me.” And then when we finally made our way to each other, I imagine the Lord smiling and saying, “Watch this! You can’t imagine what is about to happen”. Of course, that’s just my daydream but I’ll never stop thanking Him for what He has done for me, Jared, my girls, and our family.

These chapters may have seemed like a really strange way to share my testimony, but I can’t think of a better way to share His goodness and the way He changed my life. I still have normal struggles and stresses, but it’s different now. If you don’t know what that difference is, I beg you to seek Him. Give Him time to work on you. Read His word and pray. It is the best choice you will ever make. I promise you that.

-Amanda B.